To celebrate the amazing, lump in the throat miners’ rescue in Chile, I’m sure I could come up with some insightful supply chain piece today about the copper market or managing complex projects in emergency situation.  (My emotion may have been amplified because my maternal Grandfather worked as a miner, underground, for 51 years in the Durham coal field.  From the age of 14 to 65.  He was promoted to be a foreman, but still underground.  And he had some scary stories, including losing his best friend in a rock-fall).

Back to Chile…my wife suffers from claustrophobia, so we were talking about the horror – for her- of coming up in that capsule (let alone the being stuck underground bit).  I said, I would be fine if I could have my iPod with some good music to distract me for the 20 minutes or so.

So that led into thinking of a light-hearted soundtrack for the playlist for the emerging miners or perhaps the inevitable film that will be made!  And this is what we came up with;

Going underground             The Jam

I want to break free            Queen

Freedom                             George Michael

Super massive black hole   Muse

The only way is up             Yazz

Anything by Tight Fit.  Or Hole.  Or the Red Hot Chile  (sic) Peppers….

There are, I’m sure , many more…

(Reuters) – Britain and France are close to agreeing a deal under which British nuclear warheads would be serviced in a French laboratory, the Financial Times reported on Friday.

The Chief of Defence Staff was visibly sweating.  The Foreign Secretary, pale of complexion at the best of times was almost translucent.   Even the Prime Minister, always the optimist, looked drawn and tired. Only the Minister of Defence looked as if he was happy to be in the control room.

“We need to move to the next level, said the General.  “If the Irakistanians don’t back down in the next ten minutes, we have to strike.  Otherwise our own forces – and the NATO troops – are in real danger”.  The PM nodded.  ” Get everything ready. Prepare the warheads”.

A uniformed  officer nodded, picked up one of the many phones on the table and punched in a 8 digit code.

The conversation seemed to be going on longer than expected.

“What’s the matter?” said the General.

“Sir, we have a problem.  It’s the warheads.  They’re not back from lunch yet.”

“What?”

“Sir, they’re being serviced in France.  And,”  (he hesitated), “our allies aren’t back from lunch. Any of them.  There’s only the lady on switchboard, she speaks jolly good English though, but she goes for her lunch early, 11 till 12.30, so the rest of them can have 12.30 till 2, except she says usually its more like 2.30, and today’s Friday, if you know what I mean, the laboratory canteen has a very nice Cotes du Rhone on Fridays…”

His voice trailed off apologetically.

“Get me their Minister of Defence” screamed the Foreign Secretary.

Another call was made.

“He’s not in the office this afternoon.  He’s apparently ‘visiting’ a lady, just for an hour or two, it’s OK, her husband is fine with it, he’s seeing the woman from the florists, as long as it’s all done discreetly, no-one gets hurt…”

“The PM?  The President”?  More calls were hastily made.

“They’re out on a team-building shooting expedition.  Apparently it’s the first day of the tiny song-bird hunting season”.

“The President’s Wife?” A wistful expression crossed the PMs face. “No, I don’t think so.  Better not.  My wife gets a bit… funny… when I talk to the first lady…”

“I knew we shouldn’t have outsourced the servicing of the warheads”, moaned the Defence Minister.

“Oh come on, you know it was that or fire another fifty senior civil servants.  And none of us wanted to do that, did we?”  There were murmurs of assent.  A group of angry Permanent Secretaries terrified the Cabinet far more than the Irakistanians.

Suddenly the red phone on the PM’s desk rang, and the General snatched it up.

“Really? Yes, that’s great news.  Thank you.”

“The Irakistanians have backed down, thank God.  OK, everyone relax. We can stand down the missiles for now at least.  Oh, and tell the French….well, tell them they probably just prevented World War III.  And I hope they had a nice lunch”.

Liam Fox has scuppered the idea of a shared UK / French aircraft carrier.   Spend Matters have a good piece here including the first time I have seen the word ‘buggary’ included in that blog…and a classic Monty Python excerpt…but we can go one better.

We have just obtained a copy of a secret document from our sources in Whitehall, and despite great personal risk we have decided it is in the public interest to publish it.  It tells the full tragic story of what went wrong with this innovative and potentially highly cost effective idea…..

SECRET

Notes from the first (and last) meeting of the Anglo-French Aircraft Carrier Strategy and Design Committee

Present:

Admiral Sir Archibald Nelson-Mountbatten  (2nd Sea Lord, Britsh Navy)   (ANM)

William Hudson, GCMG (UK Ministry of Defence)       (WH)

Amiral Napoleon Marquis de Sade de Carrefour  (French navy)      (NMSC)

Francois Leclerc (Minstere de Defence, France)      (FL)

FL opened the meeting with traditional French fraternal greetings (’ou est le stylo de ma tante?’)

WH responded ’sur le pont D’Avignon’.

ANM called ‘Heads’ successfully, so once FL had inspected the coin, the meeting was held in English.

ANM said he was very happy to be discussing this collaboration.

FL said that ‘collaboration’ was perhaps not the best word to use with the French military leadership.  ‘Cooperation’ had fewer historical resonances in France.

NMSC said there were a few things he needed to get on the table.  Notably, that the lunch break was a non-negotiable 3 hours, and wine would be served at every meal including breakfasts.  He was also worried that now female ratings were part of the ship’s company, then clearly the British sailors wouldn’t get a look in with all the handsome French sailors around.  Although from what he had heard, maybe les Anglais weren’t all that interested in the ladies, si vous savez what I mean?

ANM’s response has been struck from the records.

There was then a long discussion about the recreational facilities to be provided.  A multi-purpose Boules and Croquet pitch was agreed as a good compromise.

WH commented it was a good job the Spanish weren’t involved, we’d have to build a b****y bull-ring on the aft deck.

The likely mobilisation of the ship was discussed.  FL said he couldn’t really see it going any further than Marseilles, not much point really, maybe have a little sail around the Med in September, nice that time of year.

ANM stressed the need to provide South Atlantic and possibly Antarctic capability.  NMSC said he couldn’t really see his men putting up with all that cold, it was only a few stupid islands anyway.

ANM’s comment has been struck from the records.

It was agreed that the ship should have some guns.  Big guns were very much preferred if there was any money left after building the ship.

WH stressed that the contracts for construction would have to be let in a fair and transparent manner.

FL said he agreed, his procurement team in Paris were already working on it, and it would be let in exactly the same professional manner as all other French military contracts.  He was confident that British suppliers would have an excellent chance of winning the business.  NMSC appeared to have a coughing fit at this point.

Unfortunately, the project was deemed cancelled after agreement could not be reached on two key points:

1. Whether the planes would take off / land from the starboard or port side
2. Left or right hand drive?

The meeting was cordially terminated at 12 noon precisely (dejeuner).

Our tone seems to have been a little serious this week – Northern Ireland water scandals, software demos and so on.  So to lighten the mood for Friday….

Purchasing specifications- pipes

1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic centered around the hole.
2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length – do not use holes of different length than the pipe.
3. The I.D. (inside diameter) of all pipe must not exceed the O.D. (outside diameter) – otherwise the hole will be on the outside.
4. All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.
5. All pipe should be supplied without rust – this can be more readily applied at the job site.
6. Some Vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipe. If available in your area, this product is recommended as it will save a lot of time on the job site.
7. All pipe over 500ft (153m) in length should have the words “long pipe” clearly painted on each end, so the Contractor will know it is a long pipe.
8. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2km) in length must have the words “long pipe” painted in the middle, so the Contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether or not it is a long pipe.
9. All pipe over 6″ (152mm) in diameter must have the words “large pipe” painted on it, so the Contractor will not mistake it for small pipe.
10. Flanges must be used on all pipes. Flanges must have holes for bolts quite separate from the big hole in the middle.
11. When ordering 90 degrees, 45 degrees or 30 degrees elbow, be sure to specify right hand or left hand; otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.
12. Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipe for going uphill, the water will flow the wrong way.
13. All couplings should have either right hand or left hand thread, but do not mix the threads – otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on one pipe, it is unscrewed from the other.

You probably know that the Government has set up a website for us all to provide our best ideas on saving public money.

Some tremendously exciting and innovative ideas are now flooding in (and I do intend to do a trawl for procurement ideas;  here’s one that made my day.

Cat lovers (that means you Naomi)  look away now.

Well, it is Saturday and the heat has probably gone to my head…so…what’s the best and worst deal you’ve ever done in your life?  Here’s an example of how what appears a great purchase can disappoint.

A tramp goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “No way, pal. I don’t think you can pay for it.” “You’re right,” the tramp says. “I don’t have any money, but if I show you something you haven’t seen before, will you give me a drink?” “You have a deal, my friend,” says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the side of the bar, across the room, up the piano, onto the keyboard and starts playing Gershwin music. The hamster can really play… “You’re right… I’ve never seen anything like that before,” says the bartender. “That hamster is really gifted.”

The tramp downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. “Will that be cash or another miracle, pal?” asks the bartender. “Watch this,” comes the response.   Again, he reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog onto the bar, and the frog starts to sing. The frog has a marvellous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him £300 for the frog. “It’s a deal,” says the tramp. He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. “Are you some kind of nut?” asks the bartender. “You sold a singing frog for £300? It could have been worth millions. You must be crazy.”

“Nah,” says the tramp. “The hamster’s a ventriloquist.”

Jokes with a procurement theme – there’s an idea.  I promise to publish any (good ones) submitted!

In fact:  here’s an impetuous offer.  A signed copy of my book for the best joke submitted with a procurement theme.  (I reserve the right not to award the prize if they’re all c**p.)

As our new neighbour left our lodgings at 221B Baker Street, having made our acquaintance for a few brief minutes, Holmes lay back on the couch and drew on his pipe, stuffed with what noxious substances I never cared to ask.

“A most interesting man.  He has obviously seen service in Persia, prefers jazz to orchestral music, cooks well, and represents himself to young woman as a single man, despite the fact he told us that he has a wife and three adult children”.

“Good heavens Holmes!  And you could tell all this from merely greeting the chap and spending a few short minutes in his company? ” I exclaimed.  Holmes looked at me quizzically.

“No, you are a fool at times Watson.  He’s on Facebook”.

Chastened, I returned to my medical treatise.  But as he browsed languidly at his iPad, something had caught Holmes attention.

“But Watson. This is interesting.  As you know, I am a reader of these newfangled ‘blogs’, and I came across this one which referred to a new Commercial Director for the Ministry of Defence – a most important role, as you will realise”.

“Indeed, Holmes – I would consider it perhaps one of the four most important commercial roles in Government, along with Messrs Smith, Coates and Smith.  Whom I must say, do sound somewhat like a firm of Chiswick undertakers”.

Holmes was rarely impressed with my attempts at humour and this was no exception.

“Andrew Manley is the gentleman who was rumoured to be taking this role.  Now see this Watson – look at what happens when I Google him.”  I observed Holmes’ iPad.

“The only reference to Mr. Andrew Manley, latterly of Shell, in the context of his supposed role in the MOD is this press release from Symatrix, a software company, describing his appointment as a non-Executive Director.  Here is the document.   Look!”

I perused the press release with interest.

“On the 3rd of December 2009 it was announced that following the approval of the Prime Minister, Andrew was appointed to the role of Director General Commercial in the Ministry of Defence.”

Holmes continued impatiently.

“So it appears he was appointed to the MOD; the rumours were correct.  And yet…. there is nothing – no, nothing Watson – on the MOD website or anywhere else confirming his appointment!  Not a single Google article, comment, reference – and this for an apparently most eminent man in a most senior position of great national import.  Compare this with the 956,000 Google entries for Miss Kerry Katona, the music hall performer!”

“But what does this mean Holmes?  Are you saying Manley does not exist?  Why would the MOD appoint him then hide him from all public view? Are you suggesting he may be linked with the Case of the Disappearing Brigadier? Or the Mystery of Egbert Williamson and his Golden Scabbard?”

Holmes had taken on his most steely eyed visage, and I could see new energy coursing through his drug-polluted veins.

“I don’t know Watson. But when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth”.

I must admit I had heard this on a few occasions previously but I tried diligently to look impressed.  Holmes bounded to his feet and hurtled towards the door of our humble lodgings.

“There is not a moment to be lost Watson! To Whitehall!”

(To be continued)

At last! A simple guide for all of us….!

I’ve got a post on the Supply Management blog which looks at appropriate category management strategies for the acquisition of Cabinet Ministers.  Read it here.  Some amusing comments as well!

According to the Lawyer, top partners in the biggest law firms have dropped rates to around £450 an hour – or £3,600 a day.

I understand that on the large Government frameworks, even the blue chip consultancies offer their Partners for under £3,000 a day.

Makes Stephen Byers at “£3-5,000″  a day look a bit expensive – not clear he has quite the intellectual capital of a Linklaters or KPMG  Partner!

And, in the spirit of benchmarking, (exec appointments), £4000 could also get you 10 days of a “Senior Business Analyst”,  5 days of a “Finance Business Analytics and Strategy Director” or 4 days of an “Interim Director of Compliance”.

I’ll be coming back soon (either here or on the Supply Management blog) with further advice for all of you who I know are thinking about how to run your next procurement for a Cabinet Minister .  It is an interesting spend category, and one that is likely to gain in importance over the coming years….